I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
