I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
