Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
