Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
