Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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