we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
