He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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