no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
