Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
