I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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