Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
