I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're a waste of cheezeits
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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