Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
