she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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