If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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