apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize