My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
