I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
