it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
