naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
