mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Randomize
