Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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