my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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