Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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