he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
