Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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