At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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