I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
