Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
