Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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