Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
