A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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