Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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