remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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