i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
