my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
