I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
