I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
