i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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