I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
