I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
