I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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