I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
