If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
