Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
