So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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