even my farts smell like vagina
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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