The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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