This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
