the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
