It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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