Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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