Yo dont text me then not text me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
