she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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