So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
