so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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