Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
