OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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