my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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