I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
